I wanted to add three additional videos to the narcissism post that I felt added more to the story, and go further into the disorder. These were uploaded after I made the post on my belief in Michelle Dickerman's narcissism so they were unfortunately not available for inclusion. The third video below by Dr. Ramani would have been especially helpful in demonstrating one of Dickerman's habits in that post.
I initially began a considerably more lengthy and descriptive write-up to discuss how each video applied to the situation and to Dickerman. I decided instead to delete what I had and just go with a brief summary on each. What you see currently is cut by a third of what I was initially contemplating when first starting this update post. I lost interest very quickly in writing out such long descriptions, and as I've already said many times before we're well past the point of discussion anyway.
The first of these videos is Richard Grannon discussing one of his relationships with a narcissist. From what I understand this is the second relationship he had with someone having NPD. He has referred to himself in the past as being an "inverted" narcissist, in that he was the personality type to attach himself to narcissists rather than being a narcissist himself. He has since left that behind. I can certainly relate with the level of damage such people cause, and the scars they leave on your life. It's helpful to listen to what he discusses and understand that we're dealing with people who, while damaged and traumatized individuals themselves, are also abusive people who inflict emotional harm (and potentially physical harm) on other people.
An interesting thing to note is that he mentions about the fact that narcissists create this false persona they present to others. I've brought this up before, especially in the narcissism post. I came to the realization prior to our high school graduation that the person I thought I was interested in actually never existed. What I had been led to believe was the real Michelle Dickerman was nothing more than a shell persona. It was a fake created not only by Dickerman's own attempts to act like someone she wasn't, but was also a creation of my own projections of what I wanted to believe her to be as a person. I only wish I had realized from the beginning that I didn't actually love a real person, that my affections were directed at a mask Dickerman wears around in public.
I initially began a considerably more lengthy and descriptive write-up to discuss how each video applied to the situation and to Dickerman. I decided instead to delete what I had and just go with a brief summary on each. What you see currently is cut by a third of what I was initially contemplating when first starting this update post. I lost interest very quickly in writing out such long descriptions, and as I've already said many times before we're well past the point of discussion anyway.
The first of these videos is Richard Grannon discussing one of his relationships with a narcissist. From what I understand this is the second relationship he had with someone having NPD. He has referred to himself in the past as being an "inverted" narcissist, in that he was the personality type to attach himself to narcissists rather than being a narcissist himself. He has since left that behind. I can certainly relate with the level of damage such people cause, and the scars they leave on your life. It's helpful to listen to what he discusses and understand that we're dealing with people who, while damaged and traumatized individuals themselves, are also abusive people who inflict emotional harm (and potentially physical harm) on other people.
An interesting thing to note is that he mentions about the fact that narcissists create this false persona they present to others. I've brought this up before, especially in the narcissism post. I came to the realization prior to our high school graduation that the person I thought I was interested in actually never existed. What I had been led to believe was the real Michelle Dickerman was nothing more than a shell persona. It was a fake created not only by Dickerman's own attempts to act like someone she wasn't, but was also a creation of my own projections of what I wanted to believe her to be as a person. I only wish I had realized from the beginning that I didn't actually love a real person, that my affections were directed at a mask Dickerman wears around in public.
The video below involves the tricks vulnerable narcissists use with communication to mess with people and cause issues. One of the issues I experienced with Dickerman was an annoying obliviousness on her part, that was in actuality an act she was doing. It was a deliberate refusal to pay any attention to what was said or what the situation was actually about. It makes it easier for her to distort things under those circumstances. This is another one of those issues that wasn't just an observation on my part - others noticed it as well. It also relates back to one of Dickerman's statements in court.
Michelle Dickerman claimed in her victim impact statement that my notes in high school "quickly turned obsessive and insult laden" - a statement I've already proven false on this blog using snippets from her own letters during that time period. But what further proves her statement false was that she was not the only audience of what letters I did write in my futile attempts to communicate the problem to her. I actually shared my letters with a couple close friends and some family members before I sent them off to Dickerman. I wanted to make sure I was absolutely clear in what I was saying, and I wanted their input as to how I was coming across. Obviously my notes weren't what she claimed them to be when none of those people found any issue with the contents.
When I would receive Dickerman's response via a letter, I would share what she wrote with these same individuals for two reasons. One reason was to make sure I wasn't just reading anything into her response that wasn't there, something which Dickerman loved to do with my letters. Dickerman always came across as arrogant and condescending in her letters (and more than a few veiled insults), and I wanted to see if others saw it as well in case it was just bias on my part. The second reason is that I also wanted them to compare her response to what I wrote. Dickerman can't complain about me doing this, because at least I never passed around her notes in a classroom full of kids so they could mock and harass her about it later - a statement Dickerman isn't capable of making. Those friends and family I shared the notes with all noticed a frustrating issue that I observed myself. Their comparisons between my letter and Dickerman's response ran along the same theme - "It's like she didn't even read your letter".
Dickerman would pretend to not understand what I was saying or what the situation was even about, go off on some unhelpful tangent on things I never even brought up, and completely ignore the questions I did ask of her. I stupidly didn't realize what she was doing the whole time with this, and like Grannon mentions I made the mistake of thinking I could have any sincere communication with the insincere. As I've said many times before, if this entire dispute is somehow all just an extremely massive and convoluted case involving one hell of a misunderstanding - the entire fault for that lies solely on Michelle Dickerman's shoulders. I was the only person attempting actual and honest communication, and I was the only one attempting to understand the other person's side in this. Michelle Dickerman couldn't have given less of a damn and she even stated as much publicly. Of course she and I both know this was never a misunderstanding, and she wasn't being falsely accused by the third parties who pointed a finger of blame in her direction.
One thing Grannon points out in this video is how narcissists change their behavior based on their environment, and I believe this certainly applies now to Dickerman. A vulnerable narcissist is really just a failed grandiose narcissist who has a hard time generating narcissistic supply, but they can switch to grandiose behaviors when things go their way. During high school and the early part of her college career, I believe she was in the vulnerable mode because she wasn't at all a popular person.
I wasn't Mr. Popular either so it's not like that's an attempt at an insult - bringing up Dickerman's lack of the same is merely a statement of fact. Where things differ is my lack of popularity came about from not knowing people, my social awkwardness, and not standing up for myself. While the reason behind Michelle Dickerman's lack of popularity was said to be centered solely on her arrogance and snobbery. Of course popularity in high school doesn't mean a damn thing once you get into the real world, but the reasons behind our lack of popularity gives insight into the differences between the two of us. One person is unpopular because they are awkward, while the other is unpopular because of a bitchy attitude. That's a clear difference I would say.
Given her lack of popularity, when Michelle Dickerman ran for class president in 9th grade it was unsurprising that she lost pretty badly. Even adult politics is really just a popularity contest, but it reaches Lord of the Flies level bullshit in grade school. The fact she even deluded herself into thinking she remotely had a chance given her extreme lack of popularity (which tends to happen when you act like a massive snob) lends weight to the argument of her being a narcissist. It shows an extreme lack of self-awareness on her part. Getting back on point, I have no doubt that now that Dickerman has achieved her goals, social status, and authority in her career - she has probably switched over to more grandiose behaviors with her narcissism.
Michelle Dickerman claimed in her victim impact statement that my notes in high school "quickly turned obsessive and insult laden" - a statement I've already proven false on this blog using snippets from her own letters during that time period. But what further proves her statement false was that she was not the only audience of what letters I did write in my futile attempts to communicate the problem to her. I actually shared my letters with a couple close friends and some family members before I sent them off to Dickerman. I wanted to make sure I was absolutely clear in what I was saying, and I wanted their input as to how I was coming across. Obviously my notes weren't what she claimed them to be when none of those people found any issue with the contents.
When I would receive Dickerman's response via a letter, I would share what she wrote with these same individuals for two reasons. One reason was to make sure I wasn't just reading anything into her response that wasn't there, something which Dickerman loved to do with my letters. Dickerman always came across as arrogant and condescending in her letters (and more than a few veiled insults), and I wanted to see if others saw it as well in case it was just bias on my part. The second reason is that I also wanted them to compare her response to what I wrote. Dickerman can't complain about me doing this, because at least I never passed around her notes in a classroom full of kids so they could mock and harass her about it later - a statement Dickerman isn't capable of making. Those friends and family I shared the notes with all noticed a frustrating issue that I observed myself. Their comparisons between my letter and Dickerman's response ran along the same theme - "It's like she didn't even read your letter".
Dickerman would pretend to not understand what I was saying or what the situation was even about, go off on some unhelpful tangent on things I never even brought up, and completely ignore the questions I did ask of her. I stupidly didn't realize what she was doing the whole time with this, and like Grannon mentions I made the mistake of thinking I could have any sincere communication with the insincere. As I've said many times before, if this entire dispute is somehow all just an extremely massive and convoluted case involving one hell of a misunderstanding - the entire fault for that lies solely on Michelle Dickerman's shoulders. I was the only person attempting actual and honest communication, and I was the only one attempting to understand the other person's side in this. Michelle Dickerman couldn't have given less of a damn and she even stated as much publicly. Of course she and I both know this was never a misunderstanding, and she wasn't being falsely accused by the third parties who pointed a finger of blame in her direction.
One thing Grannon points out in this video is how narcissists change their behavior based on their environment, and I believe this certainly applies now to Dickerman. A vulnerable narcissist is really just a failed grandiose narcissist who has a hard time generating narcissistic supply, but they can switch to grandiose behaviors when things go their way. During high school and the early part of her college career, I believe she was in the vulnerable mode because she wasn't at all a popular person.
I wasn't Mr. Popular either so it's not like that's an attempt at an insult - bringing up Dickerman's lack of the same is merely a statement of fact. Where things differ is my lack of popularity came about from not knowing people, my social awkwardness, and not standing up for myself. While the reason behind Michelle Dickerman's lack of popularity was said to be centered solely on her arrogance and snobbery. Of course popularity in high school doesn't mean a damn thing once you get into the real world, but the reasons behind our lack of popularity gives insight into the differences between the two of us. One person is unpopular because they are awkward, while the other is unpopular because of a bitchy attitude. That's a clear difference I would say.
Given her lack of popularity, when Michelle Dickerman ran for class president in 9th grade it was unsurprising that she lost pretty badly. Even adult politics is really just a popularity contest, but it reaches Lord of the Flies level bullshit in grade school. The fact she even deluded herself into thinking she remotely had a chance given her extreme lack of popularity (which tends to happen when you act like a massive snob) lends weight to the argument of her being a narcissist. It shows an extreme lack of self-awareness on her part. Getting back on point, I have no doubt that now that Dickerman has achieved her goals, social status, and authority in her career - she has probably switched over to more grandiose behaviors with her narcissism.
The below video from Doctor Ramani illustrates a tactic commonly used by Michelle Dickerman, and narcissists in general. The term "Flying Monkeys" is used by those in psychiatry to describe the people who are used by a narcissist to attack their target. Rumor spreading and gossip is an extremely common behavior that narcissists do to isolate the target and encourage others to attack. It keeps the narcissist's hands clean while still committing their abuse. In the past this was Michelle Dickerman's friends and other kids, but by adulthood it grew to include tricking law enforcement into working for her. It is really an insidious and damaging act, as you'll see in the video.
As for the update part of this post:
On the Google search front I'm still observing and recording what is going on. I still don't feel I can make a call on what the root causes for the search issue are at this point. It could have been Dickerman's efforts or it could be some weird glitch with Google's algorithm. The blog shows up in the middle of the front page currently, though when it does dip down to the second page it tends to do that rather quickly. I don't have an explanation for why that happens right now.
Of course the big thing on everyone's lips is the Covid-19 problem. Having a job involving computers means that working remotely is not an issue. So I've been spending my days working from home. The whole self-isolation thing isn't affecting me as much as it does other people. Roughly a year into gaining employment I slowly began withdrawing to the point where I was already barely leaving the house.
This was part of the reaction to no longer being able to push what happened in 2006 out of my primary focus anymore. During my unemployment period I knew I wasn't in a state to deal with the emotional fallout of everything that occurred during that court case. I was still in a state of shock for quite awhile, and dealing with the probation system certainly didn't help that. I knew things wouldn't go well if I tried to fully unpack that baggage while still sitting around unemployed with no future prospects. So I was forced to "shove it into a box" essentially, knowing one day I was going to have to face it. I could largely push it to the back of my mind with the excuse that I had to focus on either getting back into my career field or attempting another career. After I finally got a job I lost the excuse to avoid facing what happened. So when the lid on the box finally popped open, it hit like a tsunami.
I mentioned in previous posts about problems such as focusing on my job thanks to this issue. I've managed to pull myself out of the nosedive to an extent, I may even have started to look better. But now with the hit to the economy that may be for nothing. Already the parent company as a whole was not doing good prior to the Covid-19 quarantines, as not all the smaller companies it owns were doing well. It has become bad enough now that they actually announced a slash to salaries across the board of 20% for awhile as one of their measures. I'm sure there are more measures like this coming in the future.
I'm skeptical on whether the parent company survives the current pandemic situation, and I'm not sure where that will leave the smaller companies like mine when it happens. I can't say what the future holds at this point in regards to my job. To be honest I no longer really care anymore. I've stopped caring about a lot of things.
At least one benefit to everyone being stuck at home is that it creates certain opportunities I hadn't expected before. Whether I decide to move on those opportunities or not remains to be seen. It has actually taken a lot of restraint so far to not act on those opportunities, so I honestly don't know what will happen in the coming weeks.
Getting back to the search issues and this blog: for the near future I'm likely going to switch back to just re-posting the main link listing, with updated links to these update posts. That's the plan for the moment at least. I'll monitor how the blog preforms and make decisions based on what happens.
On the Google search front I'm still observing and recording what is going on. I still don't feel I can make a call on what the root causes for the search issue are at this point. It could have been Dickerman's efforts or it could be some weird glitch with Google's algorithm. The blog shows up in the middle of the front page currently, though when it does dip down to the second page it tends to do that rather quickly. I don't have an explanation for why that happens right now.
Of course the big thing on everyone's lips is the Covid-19 problem. Having a job involving computers means that working remotely is not an issue. So I've been spending my days working from home. The whole self-isolation thing isn't affecting me as much as it does other people. Roughly a year into gaining employment I slowly began withdrawing to the point where I was already barely leaving the house.
This was part of the reaction to no longer being able to push what happened in 2006 out of my primary focus anymore. During my unemployment period I knew I wasn't in a state to deal with the emotional fallout of everything that occurred during that court case. I was still in a state of shock for quite awhile, and dealing with the probation system certainly didn't help that. I knew things wouldn't go well if I tried to fully unpack that baggage while still sitting around unemployed with no future prospects. So I was forced to "shove it into a box" essentially, knowing one day I was going to have to face it. I could largely push it to the back of my mind with the excuse that I had to focus on either getting back into my career field or attempting another career. After I finally got a job I lost the excuse to avoid facing what happened. So when the lid on the box finally popped open, it hit like a tsunami.
I mentioned in previous posts about problems such as focusing on my job thanks to this issue. I've managed to pull myself out of the nosedive to an extent, I may even have started to look better. But now with the hit to the economy that may be for nothing. Already the parent company as a whole was not doing good prior to the Covid-19 quarantines, as not all the smaller companies it owns were doing well. It has become bad enough now that they actually announced a slash to salaries across the board of 20% for awhile as one of their measures. I'm sure there are more measures like this coming in the future.
I'm skeptical on whether the parent company survives the current pandemic situation, and I'm not sure where that will leave the smaller companies like mine when it happens. I can't say what the future holds at this point in regards to my job. To be honest I no longer really care anymore. I've stopped caring about a lot of things.
At least one benefit to everyone being stuck at home is that it creates certain opportunities I hadn't expected before. Whether I decide to move on those opportunities or not remains to be seen. It has actually taken a lot of restraint so far to not act on those opportunities, so I honestly don't know what will happen in the coming weeks.
Getting back to the search issues and this blog: for the near future I'm likely going to switch back to just re-posting the main link listing, with updated links to these update posts. That's the plan for the moment at least. I'll monitor how the blog preforms and make decisions based on what happens.